2011 Not So Annual Anymore Boat Party and Race For The (coveted) Goulais Cup

Arrrrrgh!  Me hearties one and all, ye be sure t’ avail yerself o’ the week’s end partakin’s.  They be 16 and 17 July an’ takin’ place on th’ shores o’ Goulais Bay.   Aye!  2031 Mission Road a’ bein’ hosted by Cap’ns Wayne an’ Jenni Madden.

There be a number o’ things ye’d be wantin’ knowin’ so pay me yer heed as I speak me mind regardin’ em:

• If ye needs t’ be bunkin with us, ye needs t’ stake out yer hammock ‘r tent on 15 July upon th’ Friday evenin’.  Ye’d be best t’ bring yer tent, yer torches, ‘n’ yer booty t’ share as th’ Cap’ns Madden be presentin’ a barbecue on Saturday fer yer pleasure an’ from henceforth o’ th day, we’ll be sharin’ huntin’ spoils n treasures o’ the sea amongst us pirates as be fittin’ our generous pirate selves of which we are.  Scallywags not contributin’ loot n’ booty t’ the pot, well… ye be lookin’ at a long walk off a short plank, ya see, maytee, inta th’ throat o’ Davy Jones’ locker, ye see.

• Ye’ll also be rememberin’ t’ make yer way t’ the LCBO or makin’ yer stop at th’ Duty Free Shop on th’ foreign shores o’ Michigan afore crossin’ o’er th’ sea t’ be snaggin’ yer grog n yer rum fer the week’s end.  Again, the Madden Crew bein’ th’ generous, sharin’ lot o’ pirates as whom we all are, shall be sharin’ their rum an’ grog but when it be gone, it be gone an’ if there are parched throats, it be a long, sober way t’ th’ LCBO t’ wet yer whistle, me lads n’ wenches.

• An’ if ye plans t’ sail yer rig in th big regatta, ye needs to come out to the Madden’s vessel on Friday’s evenin’ to shove off and weigh anchor in th’ sea t’ be savin’ yer spot on the Race’s roster at the morrow.

• All young scallywags bein’ under th’ age o’ 14 y’ars best be comin’ with a mum ‘r dad in tow ‘r ye too’ll be tossed in th’ scullery, swabbin’ th’ deck ‘r tied to th’ yardarm ‘r whatever suits the fancy o’ the Cap’n on duty at th’ time.   Of’course, if ye has th’ kind permission of the Madden Crew afore th’ week’s end, after checkin’ with yer mums an’ yer dads, then yer kindly welcome aboard.

• An’ just ye be rememberin’ those heartees  who’ve turned in fer th’ night after a long sail an’ be keepin’ yer counsel ‘n holdin’ yer tongue from the witchin’ hours o’ that falls between midnight n’ 7:00 a.m.

• Bein’ as we pirates ‘r  kind folk, respectin’ most o’ th’ laws o’ th’ land, ye must nay start a fire on any land which be other than th’ pit o’ fire upon the beach

• And seein’ as the above statement declares us bein’ respectful o’ th’ law, there’ll nay be imbibin’ o’ th’ rum ‘r th’ grog upon settin’ sail in a vessel which remains unanchored in a manner which purports to go out t’ sea.

• O’ course ye’ll be bringin’ yer instruments o’ musical persuasion t’ make merry ‘n’ raise a glass ‘r dance a jig upon th’ commencement o’ th’ day ‘r when th’ mood strikes yer soul.

• Bathin’ trunks’ll be a necessary accoutrement ye’ll be needin’ in case ye happens not t’ be sure-footed on deck when alightin’ from a boat upon th’ shore ‘r vice versa an’ in th’ case o’ ye walkin’ th’ plank fer a misdeed, ye see.

• If ye don’t be feelin’ a fancy t’ sail, ye can be bringin’ yer own manner o’ water vessel, such bein’ floaty toys, canoes, kayaks, rowboats, motor boats, r’ rubber dinghys.

• Ye’ll be rememberin’ yer P.F.D.s along with yer vessels, yer bug spray fer all manner o’ bitin’ pests, ‘n’ yer sunscreen if ye is nay wantin’ t’ be kin o’ th’ sea lobster at days end.

Boat Party 2009 Dates

Announcing the official dates for the 8th annual Boat Party and the 6th Race for the (coveted) Goulais Cup……

*drum roll please*

August 1st and 2nd 2009

Boat Party 2008

The 2008 Annual Boat Party and (coveted) Goulais Cup All-Sail Regattta 

August 2nd & 3rd 2008

 

Please Mark Your Calendars!

 

BOAT PARTY 2007

ANNOUNCING:

  July 14th and 15th 2007 

 6th Annual Boat Party 

 5th Goulais Cup All-Sail Reggata!!

WINNER of Race 2006

2006 (coveted) Goulais Cup Winner 

Reggae, skipper – Paul, crew – Ellen H.

 

 

 

 Second Runner-Up

AnnChovy, skipper – Rachel, crew – Ryan & Sean O

 

 

Third Runner-Up

Felix the Cat(amaran), skipper – YooJay, crew – Jesus

 

 

LIVE MUSIC by MEN w/ RUGGED GOOD LOOKS

The Goulais Cup Racing Association gratefully acknowledges the outstanding performance by Men w/ Rugged Good Looks (rockin’ your mom since 2006), the award-winning band from Sault Sainte Marie Michigan. 

Earlier this year, MW/RGL captured FIRST PLACE in the SAHS Talent Show, only to go on to perform a roof-top, impromptu concert at a local establishment, The Antler’s, in Soo, Michigan.  Fronted by rhythm guitarist/lead singer/keyboard player, Ryan Gleason, the band has now travelled internationally to play some of their own music as well as some pretty darn good copies of tunes by U2, Coldplay and Foo Fighters, to name but a few.  The band’s lead guitarist , Davey G.,  pretty well stole the spotlight as he excecuted a well-rehearsed, hilarious striptease in his new little colorful, leopard-print board shorts given to him the day before by a couple of rilly silly fans.  Drummer Dennis Farney, wearing a tight pink shirt grabbed the mic, and dominated the stage during his performance of the band’s original song, "Tight Pink Shirt" (duh)  Not to be outdone, basisst, Mark Farney contributed his own brand of humor and chutzpah to the evening by his rendition of "Those Magic Moments".   As well, the band was joined unexpectedly by the ever-popular Sean, (O’Malley) the founding- (and only) member of his own band, 3-Door Garage.   Eljay, the bass player from The MaddOnes, also contributed to the evening and afternoon of fine rock -n- roll.

BOAT PARTY 2006

July 15th & 16th 2006

 

"If you’re burned to a crisp, totally exhausted, every muscle & bone in your body is sore and you can say, ‘Let’s do it again next year’, Boat Party Weekend was a success!"

Vessels & Crew Members – 8 Vessels Registered

Eight Vessels Registered 

 

Ghetto Child – Stephen, skipper & Frank (-the-tank), crew

 

Ann Chovy – Rachel, skipper & Ryan, Sean, crew

 

Felix the Cat(amaran) – John (yooJay), skipper & Jesus, crew

 

Grosvenor’s Grond – Jenn P., skipper & Sarah ,crew

 

Black Pearl (windsurfer) – Alien Mutant (YooJer), skipper & Davey Jones, crew

 

Richard & the Hail Marys – Richard M., skipper & Mary Mc, Theresa M., crew

 

Where’s the Wind? (windsurfer) – Carl, skipper & Jesus, crew

 

 

Reggae – Paul I., skipper & Ellen H., crew

 

The (coveted) Goulais Cup Sailboat Regatta On-The-Fly Handicapping System and Race Rules ADDENDUM

(or the (C.)G.C.S.R.O.-T.-F.H.S.R.R.A.)

(or even shorter : CGCSROTFHSRRA)

(littler, lighter, shorter and a different color:  CGCSROTFHSRRA)

(invisible:               )

Overview: The Goulais Cup Sailboat Race is both grand in scope and history, yet inherently quaint and silly due to several factors too numerous to mention, yet among them let us mention anyway the stupendous average lack of propriety and punctuality and the unabated tendency towards Flouting the Rules as expendience necessitates. Despite the fact that chaos reigns and we like it that way, we do recognize that the race field consists of many and various classes of vessels and craft, each with it’s inherent abilities and disabilities. And though, in past years, always interesting for the leading boat, often several nautical miles in advance of stragglers, betimes the crew of the last-most boat suffered from a shared ennui as it gently thudded into the dock, well after midnight, a time when all others, ashore and afloat had long since sought their berths or bunks or the party at a camp down the road. Painful repetition of this syndrome incontrovertably evidenced the need for a system of handicapping. Let us be clear however, that our motivation for pursuing a handicapping system is not so much in pursuit of “fairness” or expectation of a “level playing field,” but it lies instead in a desire for entertainment of both the participants and the spectators. For a close race is an interesting race and the increased competition inspires the boat crews to greater heights of seamanship and deeper depths of rules-flouting. Huzzah!

And so the Rules Committee, (or R.C.) being made up as it is of Far-Seeing, Dedicated, Intelligent, Good Looking, Sail-Racing Poohbahs (or F.S.D.I.G.L.S.R.P’s.) looked upon this and decided, after 4 (four) years of lopsided outcomes, that it was Good, but Not Good Enough. Something had to be done. So, meetings were held. Focus groups were formed. Beer was drunk. Consortiums consorted. Conferences were conferred. More beer was drunk. And finally it was decided that a stupidly simple idea was needed. It being foolproof was considered the top priority considering the presence of so many fools, many of them tipsy fools, many of those in tipsy boats. The result was the present day Coveted Goulais Cup Sailboat Regatta On-The-Fly Handicapping System and Race Rules Addendum, or CGCSROTFHSRRA for short. In the 2005 Regatta it was considered a resounding success by those few present and sober enough to notice, and the CGCSROTFHSRRA has now been adopted by the Rules Committee (or R.C.) as their favorite-idea-lately-until-somebody-comes-up-with-something-better. A non-scientific study was done in 2005 to assess the effects of these rules changes on the race and the results were surprising and far-reaching:

1. A  2% lessening of confusion amongst contestants was noted
2. Attention to the race amongs spectators increased a whopping 4 1/2 %
3. Man-overboard incidents dropped by 75%
4. Hospitality Boat / Racing Boat collisions dropped 60%
5. Everyone became 10% younger, wealthier, and better-looking

And let us not forget an observation made by a comparatively sober observer as the confetti settled after the 2005 race: A phenomenon had occurred unexpectedly: A different boat had “won” each of the first two laps and yet another different boat had won the final race-winning lap! How grand! And so, comes the necessity of creating the title of “Lap Winner” and bestowing it accordingly to those who managed to screw up the least on that leg of the race and thus deserve that honor. (see the 2005 race account for that information*) So, for your edification and confusion, here is the CGCSROTFHSRRA.  It has two parts:

1. The Description of the Race Course
2. The Description of the Handicapping System.

Description of the Race Course: The course is roughly an equilateral triangle with its three buoy points designated and marked by the buoys Melchior(A), Balthezar (B) and Caspar (C). One leg of the triangle lies parallel to the shore and this leg is intersected at its midpoint and marked by the buoy Naomi Camel. An imaginary line extending from the Dock to this buoy marks both the starting and finishing lines. Upon the firing of the illegal bottle rocket, vessels start en masse at the starting line and sail around the triangular course clockwise (or counter-clockwise, depending on the wind direction) a total of three laps (or perhaps more depending on the wind strength). The vessel first to cross the finish line after completion of the 3 (three) laps under the constraints of the Handicapping System (H.S.) shall be deemed the Race winner. The vessel to cross the finish line first during each of the first two laps shall be deemed a lap winner.

 

Description of the Handicapping System:  The Race shall be run with an inherent Handicapping System as follows: 

1. Each vessel, after rounding any given buoy of the course may proceed to the next buoy but shall not round it until the last-most vessel has rounded the previous buoy. 
2. The above rule applies universally during the entire course of the race with one exception: On the last lap of the race, each vessel, after rounding the first and second buoys according to the Handicapping System, may then immediately proceed to, and round the third corner buoy and thence proceed to sail on to the finish line without handicap.
3. Due to the inherent nature of sailing – the sometimes convoluted maneuvers required in sailing upwind, etc. it is necessary to define “rounding a buoy” and it will be defined thus: A vessel shall be considered as having “rounded a buoy” if it passes within 10 (ten) feet of it, it mattering not in which direction that vessel is then proceeding. NOTE: This special Addendum to the (coveted) Goulais Cup Race Rules is fundamentally different than the normal race rules because it exists purely to enhance the enjoyment of the race by one and all. And since “enjoyment” is the highest calling and yay, even our very reason for existence as a party, the flouting (shudder) of these rules cannot, must not happen!  We won’t even talk about what will happen to flouters. You just don’t want to be one. Believe it.

* The R.C., made up solely of the F.S.D.I.G.L.S.R.P.’s needs to convene one more time in order to clear up the mattter, once and for all, who the Lap Winners were of Race 2005 and which lap it was that they won.  It was revealed at the last meeting in late August that The ‘Blonde Boat’ made a magnificent showing as the winners of Lap Two (2) much to the embarassment of the other contenders thus proving that they could indeed handle a rudder, tiller, sails and cans of silly string while beating out their darker-haired contenders!   So stay tuned to this Website!

 

THE OFFICIAL RULES

The Goulais Racing Association

Articles of the Goulais Cup All-Sail Regatta

TIME

The Regatta, herein known by the various terms Regatta, Contest , Competition or Race- Thingy, shall be held annually at the Mad(den) House on Goulais Bay, during the Annual Boat Party, in the Province of Ontario, in the Dominion of Canada in the Western Hemisphere of the Planet Earth. The contest shall be held on the weekend prior to St. Swithin’s Day (15 July) unless the schedule (or lack thereof) of the Mad(den) House shall determine otherwise.

ELIGIBILITY

Any object that floats, the sole motive power of which is the natural air currents caused by the action of the heat of the Sun upon the Atmosphere of the Earth, and the function of which requires at least one member of the species Homo Sapiens on board (encased in an approved Pfd), hereafter known as the Skipper, the Man, the Old Man, the Boss, the Big Cheese or the Master, is eligible to compete and shall be hereafter known as the Vessel.. It shall be unlawful to employ artificially devised motor power of any sort whatsoever.

CREW

The Crew may be of any such number and combination of men, women, children, dogs, gnus, hamsters, chickens, cattle, moths, ferrets, African Sparrows and/or cats as it may please the Skipper to appoint. All must be wearing Coast Guard approved Pfd’s. Said crew shall remain on board the Vessel at all times after the starting gun, (bell, air horn, fart, whistle, shout, Bronx Cheer, loud noise, etc.) unless they should happen to fall off.

HANDICAP TRIAL

As determined by the Goulais Cup Racing Association, Handicap Trials have been jettisoned  ………SEE ADDENDUM!!

 

COURSE

The Course shall be laid out to a plan determined by consensus of competitors, marked by Orange Buoys (the course, that is, not the competitors) or Large Plastic Statues of Camels and/or The Three Wise Men, affixed with flourescent orange bicycle flags.  Monitors, hereafter to be known as The Official Buoy Monitors (when available) shall be appointed to stand watch at each buoy to see that Buoys are duly rounded by competing Vessels.

RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE CONTEST AND WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IF YOU FLOUT THEM

1] The Vessels shall start by the pre-determined order determined by the Association.
2] All Vessels shall start from a dead stop with sails bent on but not raised.
3] Each Vessel shall raise sail on its starting gun (kazoo, alpenhorn, fart, tissue paper and comb, etc.)
4] All Vessels shall round each buoy on the course to the satisfaction of The Official Buoy Monitors (if available) and in compliance with the 2006 Course Rules Addendum which will be thoroughly explained prior to the Race because we really don’t know what they are yet, but they have a lot to do with sailing as fast as possible and behaving nicely.
5] The Skipper and all Crew Members MUST finish the Race unless it becomes clear to all that they are so miserably far behind that in order to round all buoys, they would be absent for the remaining days of the Boat Party. (See 9 below)
6] ACTS OF PIRACY (including but not limited to intentional ramming, boarding and broadsides from potato guns) shall result in responsible Skipper(s) being keelhauled around the fleet of competing Vessels; each member of the Crew subjected to twenty (20) lashes with a wet Angora Cat.
7] ACTS OF SABOTAGE (including but not limited to sandbagging, clandestine opening of scuppers, and smearing of poodle offal on tiller handles) shall result in the offending Skipper(s) and Crew member(s) being stranded for seven and one half (7 ½) days on Iroquois Island with naught but a BB Gun and a roll of duct tape.
8] ACTS OF DECEPTION OR SUBTERFUGE (including but not limited to the use of (shudder) paddles, other than for maneuvering at the starting line, the employment of assorted indigenous nieces and nephews and/or their friends grasping the stern and kicking, the use of artificial means – mechanical or biological – of providing wind and affixing the prow of the Vessel to the dorsal fin of a Very Large Lake Sturgeon) shall result in the offending Skipper and Crew, hereafter to be known as The Bad People, being compelled to submit to a two (2)-minute shower bath of bilge water from the Valley Camp to the accompaniment of Rap music each hour of every day until sunset of St. Swithin’s Day. The penalty to be imposed upon The Official Buoy Monitor who leads a Vessel astray by taking up a false position near a buoy that does not exist, is so ghastly and horrific that mere words cannot describe it nor mere ink and paper convey it.
9] ACTS OF DESPAIR AND/OR APATHY (including but not limited to pooping out and abandoning the Contest upon witnessing the victory of a competing Vessel other than one’s own or scuttling one’s own Vessel with a view to thereby escape the insupportable shame and humiliation of defeat) shall result in The Bad People, upon their return, (if any), being roundly Bronx Cheered by the entire assemblage of competitors, spectators and Boat Party Crashers.
10] Water Guns, Super Soakers and other Water Cannon (with the exception of water balloons and other environmentally unsafe objects…LIKE "SILLY STRING",  RACHEL!!!!!!) shall be considered permissible answer and greeting for any craft in the process of passing another. The act of ‘mooning’ shall only be allowed if one’s backside is presented to a competing Vessel well-offshore of any onlookers who could possibly be offended and thereby identify said ‘mooner’ in a police line-up upon accusation.
11] Should a competing Vessel founder, explode, sink, break up, disintigrate or otherwise experience shipwreck, said Vessel shall be declared disqualified and the Race shall be suspended until Skipper and Crew have been retrieved.
12] That Vessel shall be considered the Winner whose prow first crosses the Finish Line, having complied with all the other stuff above.
13] In a Timely Manner, within a Ceremony performed by the Maddens and/or their Designated Appointee(s), the Winner shall be duly awarded the (coveted) Goulais Cup to display in the privacy of their own home until the next Regatta.